THIS MADE ME FEEL SICK

THIS MADE ME FEEL SICK

This image popped up on Facebook today,
From 7 years ago.

While most of you may see a standard modelling or bikini photo,
Not dissimilar from other images I regularly post,
I saw this photo this morning,
And felt sick to my stomach.

Tears came to my eyes as I was snapped immediately back to that day,
And that moment in my life.

In many ways,
This was an amazing time in my life.

On the outside,
It looked like my life was pretty sorted.

I was getting incredible results in my architecture degree,
I was running three of my startups, all of which were a success,
I was in a beautiful relationship,
I was the friendly girl, the bubbly one, the one that people wanted to be around.

But deep down,
I was fighting a war against myself,
That no one knew about,
Except for one person.

Two years before this photo was taken,
I moved to London.
It was the middle of winter and I got wrapped up in my new London lifestyle,
Of not eating well, and drinking socially every night to fit in.
I had never been in a gym before I moved to London,
And I was super fit and active running and windsurfing daily before I moved.
With the limited hours of daylight in London in January,
All of that exercise stopped as well.

Before I knew it,
I had put on 20kgs, or roughly 44 pounds.
I remember weighing myself and literally standing there in shock.

How did this happen?
This wasn’t me.
When I moved to London I was fit, lean and toned with an eight pack.
It didn’t make sense.

And in that moment I committed myself,
That I would lose the weight,
WHATEVER it took.

Literally.

I hated what I saw in the mirror.
I despised myself for treating my body the way I had.
And I became obsessed with attempting to lose the weight.

I developed a disorder,
One which people may label an eating disorder,
But for me,
I label it a self love disorder.

I stopped eating.
Literally.
I would allow myself to have 1 tiny bowl of cornflakes in the morning with water.
And no other food for the rest of the day.
I would then pump my body with coffee and energy drinks.
Sometimes more than eight of them a day.

I was doing 2 hours of exercise in the gym in the morning,
And a following 2 hours in the evening.

I started losing the weight,
But I looked sick, scary and sad,
Although I couldn’t see that in that moment.

All I could see when I looked in the mirror,
Was the girl who wasn’t good enough.

I was such a “high achiever” in every other area of life,
I was obsessed with making this area of my life “perfect too”,
Regardless of what it took.

And then I started collapsing.
Sometimes I would faint 2-3 times a day.
People were worried about me.
They were telling me to eat more.
Telling me that I was slowly killing myself.

But I didn’t listen.
In fact I reasoned.
“I have low blood sugar - the doctor told me to just have more coffee and energy drinks.
I’m fine really, don’t worry about me.”

Lies to myself,
Lies to others.

And I continued on.

I was doing whatever it took to get to the outcome,
And deep down I knew I was hurting my body,
But I continued to push anyway.

I started modelling to keep me going.
I thought that if I was constantly doing photoshoots,
Or entering pageants,
It would give me even more reason to keep going,
On this crazy cycle of hate that I was on in order to achieve my goal.

During one of the pageants I was doing,
One of the people there snatched a sandwich out of my hand,
And told me that I wasn’t skinny enough to be eating that.

I took this as evidence that I was doing the right thing in my quest to get as skinny as possible,
And agreed with them that they were right.

As a part of the Miss Wellington pageant I was entered in at the time,
(The photo is the photoshoot for that)
I was gifted a series of personal training sessions,
As a part of my prize as a finalist.

Great! I thought.
This can help me lose more weight.
And I turned up for the first session.

I sat across from the personal trainer,
Who asked me:
“Regan, what is your goal right now?”

I stared back at him and said:
“To win Miss Wellington, obviously.
Oh, and also to get as skinny as possible.”

I saw a reaction in his face,
But he continued on:

He said to me:
“Got it. You want to win?
Well in order to do that,
You need to do everything that I tell you to do,
Are you willing to do that?”

“Of course.
I will do whatever it takes.”
I replied.

“Great.
So tell me Regan,
What are you currently eating?
What does your day look like with your meals?”

“Um…”

There was an uncomfortable silence.

Then I continue to tell him about my cornflakes and energy drink routine.

I looked into his eyes,
And I felt my own pain reflected back at me.

He held my hands,
As tears started to stream down my face.

But he wasn’t buying into my bullshit.

“Okay Regan.
You’re on.
You want to be skinny?
How’s this?”

He then continued by pulling up a google images search,
Or people who were drastically anorexic.

“Like this one?
Or like this?
Or what about her?
Is that what you want?”

More tears.

“No.”
I replied softly.

He continued on with more images.

Then said to me:
“Regan listen.
Those images.
That is where you’re heading right now.
You’re on the fast track to there.
Is that what you want?”

“No…”

“Then tell me - what IS it that you want?”

Silence…

“I…
I don’t know.
I mean,
I’m not sure.”

And then he said:
“You see,
There’s your challenge.
You just don’t know what you want right now…”

He then proceeded to pull up images of hot, lean bikini models.

“How about this?
Would it be okay if you looked like this?”

“Yes…”
I mumbled,

“But I can’t look like that,
I don’t know how…”

“That’s where I come in.”
The trainer said.

“But I need you to trust me.
And I need you to do everything that I tell you to do.
Can you do that?”

I agreed,
And I did what I was told.
I started force feeding myself healthy food each day,
But more than anything,
I started to love my body again,
As I knew that I was now treating it with respect.

Ryan Alexander Wall you’re probably surprised that you’re tagged in this post,
From so long ago,
But I want to thank you.
You flipped my mindset,
You allowed me to think differently.
You changed my idealism around body image.
You switched my motivation from pain to pleasure,
And in many ways, you helped save my life.

So you may see this image,
And see a younger version of me,
Lying in a bikini in Wellington New Zealand,
With some silver heels on,
And a flower in my hair.

I look at this,
And I feel my pain.
I feel my loathe.
I feel my deep feelings of not being good enough.
And I feel the pain of every other person who is going through this right now.

This is why I shared this today.
If you have had or have a relationship with your body and yourself like this,
I am here for you.
I see you.
I stand by you.
I support you.
And I back you.
I am here to tell you that you are enough.
And guess what,
It is possible to have a hot, lean amazing body and also love yourself.

Having a hot body is a choice.
But self love is also a choice.
And I would encourage you to choose both.

Tag someone in who needs to read this.

I love you.

Remember,
You can have it all, on your terms - but please go about it the healthy way, regardless of what you’re looking to create…

Regan x